I was talking to Isaac the other night about feeling adrift. The first thing he asked me? – “have you written about it?” Well, it’s been a while, but he’s probably on to something.

In the past, I feel like I’ve placed a ton of pressure on myself for this blog to be professional or some pristine version of myself. I know that kept me from writing alot of things I would have otherwise.

So, I’ve decided that idea is BS. This blog is for me – I am so happy if others read it and find inspiration, comfort, or familiarity here. But, at the end of the day, I need to write for myself.

So, today, we turn a new leaf. I’m writing what I need to.

Namárië – Go Towards Goodness

On February 24, 2022, I found Elrohir passed away in one of our litter boxes. The night before, he was a little off. We were mostly used to this – the last year of his life he was on steroids more often than he wasn’t. I didn’t think anything of his behavior. The next morning, we’d lost him.

tuxedo cat laying on desk

To say I was heartbroken doesn’t do it justice. I’d never had cats growing up; in fact, I’m pretty sure my dad hates them. But, Elrohir and Elladan showed me the error of my ways. They were my constant companions through so many things – grad school, changing jobs, moving to a new house. Elrohir was my shadow; he was near me at all times and went to bed with me every night. And he was just….gone.

On July 29, 2022, we lost his brother, Elladan. He went from being ok, to stage 4 kidney failure over a weekend. We made the difficult (a shitty word for something so damn awful) decision to let him go, rather than suffer through the worst stages of an terrible condition. In the span of 5 months, I lost half of my heart.

tuxedo cat with toy on grey rug

I am not ok. Even now, a year after losing Elrohir, the pain is still so raw. Yes, we have found amazing other kitties who fill our life with joy and laughter. But, there are no replacements for what we lost. That’s just the fact.

Sometime last year, I read an article talking about grief. The author talked about grief as a circle amongst other significant events in your life. Rather than this linear, 5 step (or 7 depending on who you read) journey, grief overlapped and bumped against the other circles of your life. That circle of grief doesn’t get any smaller or larger, but rather, other events grow around it. I had never read anything that resonated with me so much.

This week, as I reflect on a year since Elrohir’s loss, I can say with confidence that my circle of grief is, in fact, the same damn size. But, other positive circles are slowly growing larger around it. I still miss Elrohir and Elladan every day. I likely will for the rest of my discernable life.

In Tolkien’s universe, elves have no word for goodbye. Rather, they say namárië , or go towards goodness. I find comfort that my fluffy elves have found comfort and peace. I, on the other hand, still weep for their companionship.

Namárië, Elrohir and Elladan. Half my heart goes with you.

As a Side Note: Anxiety is a Bitch

I started working with my doctor in 2022 to treat my crippling anxiety. After one too many panic attacks, I finally understood I couldn’t manage it on my own.

I feel like I’ve been playing medicine roulette for the last year. Nothing about anxiety treatment is an exact science. So, we tinker with different combos and dosages, hoping to find a balance between feeling well and managing side effects.

I thought we got there in December. Instead, I gained 15 lbs and we started over. I know, logically, that we will figure it out. I’m just exhausted.

If you have suggestions for supplemental management techniques, please share them. I would love to hear what works for you, and make an anxiety buddy at the same time.

Thanks for sticking to the end of this one. I promise my posts won’t always be this…down. In fact, I can’t wait to share my current crochet WIPs. Sometimes you just gotta get that shit off your chest.

– R